Articles
Dating and Sex
Always a difficult subject this one. You can't get away from it, dating and sex are inextricably interlinked. If you are meeting people romantically at some point you will want to go to bed with each other. For those who are religious, sex will remain within the boundaries of marriage. For many others sex is initially a test of compatibility - a big one. If you don't get on well in bed, you won't be going much further. Modern generations are sexually demanding, they know how to give and receive pleasure and expect the same in return.
If you have certain sexual outlooks and preferences you actively seek the same. There is no stigma about this, the fact is, we are guided in our choices by our sexual view of the world. If we are shy or sex does not play a big part in our world then we may actively seek someone similar. There is no point dating a stallion if we don't enjoy sex. Then again if we are shy, maybe we are seeking a teacher. Marrying someone as a virgin is often now seen as too risky in the bigger scheme of things due to the risk of sexual incompatibility.
The importance of sexual compatibility cannot be underestimated. For years to come you want to be stimulated by your partner and you stimulate them. The desire needs to be there otherwise your relationship may feel that it is lacking. A special closeness may be lost. Let us be clear however, we are not necessarily talking about penetrative sex. There are many forms of sexual behavior and I refer only to our compatibility, in whatever form it may take. If we are to share each other's bed, so we need to want to be in that bed next to the person we choose. Therefore, for those who say that sex is not important, then their partner must feel the same way too.
I once took a survey in our office of whether men liked to give oral sex to their partners. Two of the men said that their girlfriends did not like it and they themselves did not enjoy giving it. The girls in our office were astounded and laughed saying that this cannot be true. They argued that the women probably did enjoy it but it was the men who did not enjoy giving that pleasure. I don't have the answers in this example except to suggest that the women were probably right and that here we were seeing a one-sided view of sexual compatibility in the two relationships mentioned.
Another issue worth mentioning is the ease in which sex frequently occurs in the early dates. This is a great shame. Certainly from a woman's point of view, however emancipated you may be, your greatest weapon and gift is your body. A man who is attracted to you will want to sleep with you, yes. However if you really want that man and would like to build a relationship it is absolutely essential that you do not sleep with him in the early stages. Desire over a longer period will capture the feelings and interest of a man. His emotions and feelings will become heightened the more elusive you are sexually. There is absolutely no gain to be had in having sex on the first few dates unless your aim is purely sexual too.
I cannot spell this out too strongly. If you want to win a man's heart, do not sleep with him immediately. An honest man will tell you that if you have sex with a girl on a first date, you may enjoy it, but you are almost certain not to want to date her because you were simply too easy. Men are hunters, then enjoy the chase, and the longer it goes on, the greater the respect and the more likely you will win his heart. Within limits - too long and you may lose him! he is a man, not a saint. I admit that this sounds like a sermon, but it is a tactic that works. If you simply want sex then fine, but if you want a relationship, hold off.
Guys, if all you want is sex, then do the lady a favor and go and pay for a magazine. You will tell her whatever she wants to hear to get her into bed. You can be slick, calculating and tell amazing lies but the following morning you will simply be seen for what you are, a lizard. The fact is, if you are a guy and reading this hopefully you are looking to date properly and are not looking for cheap thrills. In which case great. But do your dates a favor and back off from pressuring for sex in the early stages. Being sexy does not mean wanting sex. And another tip guys, leave the sex talk for later, especially in the early stages of dating. It comes across as sleazy and manipulative.
And finally. The first time you sleep together will be amazing if there is great anticipation and build up but can equally be an absolute disaster. Frequently it is the latter. It takes time to get to know each other in bed so take your time and never base the quality of sex on that very first time. Things can change and get a whole lot better. This is where your communication skills will be at their most important.
Okay so some basic points to think about:
- Never sleep with someone on the first date
- Do not chat about sex on the first few dates, especially
if you are a man. Retain your enigma factor
- Never ever speak about sex with your ex when dating
- Never admit to how many people you have slept with
- Date people you are physically attracted to as a start
- Sex is generally important, let's not pretend otherwise
- Being sexy is different to being available
- Kissing does not mean sex
- Have sex the first time where you are most comfortable
- Remember that if you want to leave it is best not to sleep
with your partner at your apartment
- Always practise safe sex, there is no excuse
- Good sex is a good start, bad sex can get better though
- Avoid people who are selfish in their sexual needs unless
you share them
- Never do anything you are not comfortable with
- Never ever be rushed into sex when dating
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